I have incredible luck... in all the wrong ways I think. I am absolutely amazed by it, dumbfounded, and if I let it, dispirited by it. A little background, that over time I will most likely expand upon here and there when it is called for or appropriate. The long and short of it is this. I have no mother. Well, I've actually had many mothers. It's quite the oxymoron really. My biological mother, the one that gave birth to myself and two brothers, was unfit and neglectful and hence we all ended up in foster care to which she gave up her parental rights to us in less than a year. No real effort to keep us was ever made by her nor her very large family. My birth father, to his credit, by all accounts told, did make an effort but didn't have the means and couldn't get them, and didn't have the family support which was very small, and so he too gave up his parental rights by the end of that first year.
Because there was contact that first year with our biological father (our mother never even visited) we were uprooted once again and sent off to another foster family in which my birth father was not allowed to know where. We were there for about another year, and then once again uprooted as we were all adopted into a family that already had 6 kids who lived on a very large farm. Most of the older kids were already out of the house and the youngest of 2 biological sons of my adopted family, was frequently sick as a child. Not really farming material. We essentially were adopted to work the farm. Two boys for the outdoor work and me for all the chores indoor as well as outdoor. The home was abusive. Nearly all of the children left as soon as they were legally able to at 17. I was no exception and left at 17, with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I did, my adopted mother burned everything I owned. My brothers tried to sneak things out for me but were checked constantly. They were forbidden to contact me.
I moved in with my best friend, whose mother was aware of my situation and for a short time was my fill in mother. This would make mother number 5. I lived with my friend for 6 months, but her mother was a single one and it became very difficult and thus asked me to leave. Eventually for the sake of length, I ended up living with a family whose mother (number 6) I knew from church and had offered to take me in. They became my newest family. By this time I was now a senior and hadn't known any real stability (stability can come in many forms, including emotional) during my whole life. I became such a member of their family they wanted to adopt me. Another adoption. I was nearly an adult and the mother wanted me to change my name. The only link I had to my brothers was my name and I was unwilling to give it up. Because I wouldn't change it, on that account alone, she chose not to adopt me. The problems with the mother continued to increase and eventually she kicked me out altogether. Eventually all of her own children also had issues with her and the marriage ended in divorce. I remained very close to the father who I eventually learned to trust and for the first time in my life treated me the closest to what a parent child relationship should feel like. Loved, trusted, dependable, safe. He is whom I call my dad still today. He is my father in every way that matters.
But I had the rejection of yet another mother or mother figure. I always felt that somehow it would be ok however, as I figured someday, I would get married and I would have his family to be close to and would love his mother. It didn't happen. I met my ex-husband in college in Idaho. His family lived in Arizona. When it came time to let them know we had decided to marry his mother, who had never met me or even knew what I looked like (but we had spoken on the phone) broke down crying. I felt that once she had met me however, we would be fine. I was wrong. She had made up her mind, something that never changed and her youngest son (of two) was very attached to his mother. To put it another way, many, many years later our marriage counselor told him "he needed to cut the umbilical cord" which reached across many states. He never did, and it was a major contributing factor as to the demise of our marriage. It was also very lonely and disheartening for me. I had no family support on either side, but he did.
The next relationship I got into immediately after the end of my marriage was pretty much the same thing and yet worse in the sense that both sons still live at their parents home and brought the definition of mama's boy to a whole new level. (A side note- he too was the youngest of those two sons). I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I ignored it. I was vulnerable from the end of a marriage of 14 years and my life was upside down and for a while in ruins. I was alone with no family and friends in a different state. I was neither emotionally strong nor thinking straight. It was a painful time.
After I finally found the strength to end that relationship I decided to concentrate on me finally. I had accomplished my goal to finish college and got my degree and started to work on my career. I had two of my daughters with me, (the oldest one had decided to stay with her father in another state) and I felt good with where I was at. I started to work out, started to lose some of the weight I had put on and felt positive and strong. I was determined to show myself that I could make it on my own and support myself and my children. When I decided to start dating, that's exactly what I decided to do, just date. Something I had never really done. Every guy I went out with fell for me and I ended up in relationships with them. I was determined to just have a good time and not be in anything serious. And I especially didn't want to find myself in a situation where I was involved with another mother who just couldn't seem to let her son go and saw me as a threat and the enemy. I had given up on ever having any kind of mother figure in my life. It seemed that I was meant to figure out my way in my life with OUT having a mother to turn to or be there for all those things a daughter needs a mother for. It was a lonely and painful existence and it has had the effect throughout of my life of feeling unworthy and unlovable, especially by women.
While dating, I, of course, met my guy. For all kinds of reasons, I took it slow and was determined to just date the guy. Our age difference being one of those. But he was well received by everyone in my life both family and friends and they became cheerleaders for him when I was in doubt or thought of breaking things off. I had my trepidations about meeting his family, especially his mother and I made it clear that this was one of my huge deal breakers. I would NOT put myself through yet another son obsessed, clingy, threatened by another woman type of mother.
A short back story about my guy. He had determined after his last breakup for which he was considering marrying her, to A) take some time off from dating (which he did) and B) wanted to date someone older because he didn't feel the ladies he was dating were mature enough for him. He let his family, especially his mother, of this. And so he went out to dinner with his mother and let her know he had met someone that he was crazy about and also let her know that I was older. This pretty much did it, and once again before she even met me had made up her mind. Ironic as hell, but my guy is also the youngest (or the 'baby') of two sons.
I worried about the age difference and what she would think. My dad reassured me that she probably had a certain image in her mind of what someone of my age looked and acted like but that once she met me she would get to know me and realize I didn't match that image at all. I had hope.
It was false hope.
From day one she pretty much wanted nothing to do with me. She pretty much refused to even come into the living area the first time we went over there to meet his mother and step-father, for 20 minutes- and hid in the kitchen while his step-father played host and spoke to us alone.
My guy was shocked by her behaviour. Everything he had promised me that wouldn't happen because his "mother wasn't like that and he knew his mother"-- eventually did. She eventually came right out (6 months into our dating) and told my guy that she "would NEVER accept our age difference".
The long and short of it (as there is a lot I of course am leaving out and this is nearly 5 years later) is that my guy did something the other two guys didn't do. He stood by me. His mother continued to act badly about me and he let his mother know that if she continued to do so that would be the end of his relationship with her. For him it was simple. If her claims of "I just want you to be happy" were true (which by the way, EACH of the mothers of the sons I have mentioned have said the exact same thing verbatim) then she would be fine and she would be thrilled because he WAS happy and in fact if she were to try and open her eyes she would see that I was very good for him. Because of me he had quit smoking, stopped many of the unhealthy things he had been doing and stopped making choices that only led to his unhappiness. Her rejection of me, to him, was a personal rejection of himself and her claim of wanting his happiness felt like a lie. She only wanted what she wanted for him. So- he cut off his ties to her. That however hasn't stopped her from trying to contact him. She continues to claim she has done nothing wrong all the while trying to undermine our relationship. I haven't spoken to her or had any contact with her at all, but she has still (along with his sister) tried in their attempts. Something I won't go into here. I have stayed out of it and let my guy handle it all.
And I have been fine with that....., and even in the first two years encouraged him to try to work things out with her. I finally realized how futile that was however, with some of the things she did to end our relationship. I stopped encouraging him and she lost an ally. All while I puzzled over it. My guy has said the same thing that was told to me by my previous two relationships. "It wouldn't matter WHO I was with, she would still act the same. This has nothing to do with you." Somehow this doesn't help- because it IS me and it has now happened over and over. So it feels very personal to me! I wonder how often a person can be rejected. And by the same kind of situation? When is a lesson that is put into ones life, learned and not be dropped into their lap anymore? When is enough, enough? I am amazed by own bad luck. If this were a lottery ticket situation, I would have hit it 3 times with the mother son deal. What are the odds? Hitting the lotto 3 times in a row?? And with my own mother/mother figure incidents, it's only salt in the wound that makes me feel that I am impossible to be loved as a daughter or in the daughter role. There is a certain kind of pain when others talk about their mothers, especially for the big stuff, like graduations, weddings, and babies; and the small stuff too. I am keenly aware of how much my own daughters rely on me for even the smallest things. All of which I had to teach myself and learn on my own.
With this wedding my guy's father has been pressuring my guy to talk to his mother (his fathers' ex-wife) and allow by-gones to be by-gones. No accountability, no acknowledgment, no anything. We both don't understand. She hasn't changed her mind about anything. Nothing has changed. As with his mother, I have let my guy deal with his family himself. I have remained quiet. Most of that was because for much of our relationship my guy spoke to no one in his family due to the mother issue . When he slowly began to speak to his father and grandmother again, and then his brother, I stayed out of it to allow them to work things out first and not interfere. My guy says they have no problems with me. Now however I am biting at the bit wanting to confront the situation on all sides. My guy has been telling me that it "won't do me any good". Through all of this I have come to realize he is right. I have never met people who are so slow to learn and get it. Still I fantasize about finally having a say and try to get through their heads.
I don't worry about my guy or that I will find myself alone in my relationship or marriage against a family that hates me. He has shown me where I stand in his life. It doesn't mean however, that it makes it any less difficult. I have thought deep and hard of what this means for me in my life..... again.
My youngest has come to me and admitted that she doesn't know how I've gone my whole life without a mother to turn to, she says she could never do it. When I see those facebook status' that talk about "post this if you have a mother that....." or people who talk about how wonderful their mother-in-law is.... it hurts. I am completely dumbfounded and ask myself why? Why in my life I didn't deserve such a basic thing? That when I have had the opportunity due to circumstances, to have a new chance at it. That in the end, it's all the same result.
I know it's a question that will never get answered and I try to love myself the way I wish that a mother would love me, and be the mother to my own children I never had... within the circumstances that is called Life.
Because there was contact that first year with our biological father (our mother never even visited) we were uprooted once again and sent off to another foster family in which my birth father was not allowed to know where. We were there for about another year, and then once again uprooted as we were all adopted into a family that already had 6 kids who lived on a very large farm. Most of the older kids were already out of the house and the youngest of 2 biological sons of my adopted family, was frequently sick as a child. Not really farming material. We essentially were adopted to work the farm. Two boys for the outdoor work and me for all the chores indoor as well as outdoor. The home was abusive. Nearly all of the children left as soon as they were legally able to at 17. I was no exception and left at 17, with nothing but the clothes on my back. When I did, my adopted mother burned everything I owned. My brothers tried to sneak things out for me but were checked constantly. They were forbidden to contact me.
I moved in with my best friend, whose mother was aware of my situation and for a short time was my fill in mother. This would make mother number 5. I lived with my friend for 6 months, but her mother was a single one and it became very difficult and thus asked me to leave. Eventually for the sake of length, I ended up living with a family whose mother (number 6) I knew from church and had offered to take me in. They became my newest family. By this time I was now a senior and hadn't known any real stability (stability can come in many forms, including emotional) during my whole life. I became such a member of their family they wanted to adopt me. Another adoption. I was nearly an adult and the mother wanted me to change my name. The only link I had to my brothers was my name and I was unwilling to give it up. Because I wouldn't change it, on that account alone, she chose not to adopt me. The problems with the mother continued to increase and eventually she kicked me out altogether. Eventually all of her own children also had issues with her and the marriage ended in divorce. I remained very close to the father who I eventually learned to trust and for the first time in my life treated me the closest to what a parent child relationship should feel like. Loved, trusted, dependable, safe. He is whom I call my dad still today. He is my father in every way that matters.
But I had the rejection of yet another mother or mother figure. I always felt that somehow it would be ok however, as I figured someday, I would get married and I would have his family to be close to and would love his mother. It didn't happen. I met my ex-husband in college in Idaho. His family lived in Arizona. When it came time to let them know we had decided to marry his mother, who had never met me or even knew what I looked like (but we had spoken on the phone) broke down crying. I felt that once she had met me however, we would be fine. I was wrong. She had made up her mind, something that never changed and her youngest son (of two) was very attached to his mother. To put it another way, many, many years later our marriage counselor told him "he needed to cut the umbilical cord" which reached across many states. He never did, and it was a major contributing factor as to the demise of our marriage. It was also very lonely and disheartening for me. I had no family support on either side, but he did.
The next relationship I got into immediately after the end of my marriage was pretty much the same thing and yet worse in the sense that both sons still live at their parents home and brought the definition of mama's boy to a whole new level. (A side note- he too was the youngest of those two sons). I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I ignored it. I was vulnerable from the end of a marriage of 14 years and my life was upside down and for a while in ruins. I was alone with no family and friends in a different state. I was neither emotionally strong nor thinking straight. It was a painful time.
After I finally found the strength to end that relationship I decided to concentrate on me finally. I had accomplished my goal to finish college and got my degree and started to work on my career. I had two of my daughters with me, (the oldest one had decided to stay with her father in another state) and I felt good with where I was at. I started to work out, started to lose some of the weight I had put on and felt positive and strong. I was determined to show myself that I could make it on my own and support myself and my children. When I decided to start dating, that's exactly what I decided to do, just date. Something I had never really done. Every guy I went out with fell for me and I ended up in relationships with them. I was determined to just have a good time and not be in anything serious. And I especially didn't want to find myself in a situation where I was involved with another mother who just couldn't seem to let her son go and saw me as a threat and the enemy. I had given up on ever having any kind of mother figure in my life. It seemed that I was meant to figure out my way in my life with OUT having a mother to turn to or be there for all those things a daughter needs a mother for. It was a lonely and painful existence and it has had the effect throughout of my life of feeling unworthy and unlovable, especially by women.
While dating, I, of course, met my guy. For all kinds of reasons, I took it slow and was determined to just date the guy. Our age difference being one of those. But he was well received by everyone in my life both family and friends and they became cheerleaders for him when I was in doubt or thought of breaking things off. I had my trepidations about meeting his family, especially his mother and I made it clear that this was one of my huge deal breakers. I would NOT put myself through yet another son obsessed, clingy, threatened by another woman type of mother.
A short back story about my guy. He had determined after his last breakup for which he was considering marrying her, to A) take some time off from dating (which he did) and B) wanted to date someone older because he didn't feel the ladies he was dating were mature enough for him. He let his family, especially his mother, of this. And so he went out to dinner with his mother and let her know he had met someone that he was crazy about and also let her know that I was older. This pretty much did it, and once again before she even met me had made up her mind. Ironic as hell, but my guy is also the youngest (or the 'baby') of two sons.
I worried about the age difference and what she would think. My dad reassured me that she probably had a certain image in her mind of what someone of my age looked and acted like but that once she met me she would get to know me and realize I didn't match that image at all. I had hope.
It was false hope.
From day one she pretty much wanted nothing to do with me. She pretty much refused to even come into the living area the first time we went over there to meet his mother and step-father, for 20 minutes- and hid in the kitchen while his step-father played host and spoke to us alone.
My guy was shocked by her behaviour. Everything he had promised me that wouldn't happen because his "mother wasn't like that and he knew his mother"-- eventually did. She eventually came right out (6 months into our dating) and told my guy that she "would NEVER accept our age difference".
The long and short of it (as there is a lot I of course am leaving out and this is nearly 5 years later) is that my guy did something the other two guys didn't do. He stood by me. His mother continued to act badly about me and he let his mother know that if she continued to do so that would be the end of his relationship with her. For him it was simple. If her claims of "I just want you to be happy" were true (which by the way, EACH of the mothers of the sons I have mentioned have said the exact same thing verbatim) then she would be fine and she would be thrilled because he WAS happy and in fact if she were to try and open her eyes she would see that I was very good for him. Because of me he had quit smoking, stopped many of the unhealthy things he had been doing and stopped making choices that only led to his unhappiness. Her rejection of me, to him, was a personal rejection of himself and her claim of wanting his happiness felt like a lie. She only wanted what she wanted for him. So- he cut off his ties to her. That however hasn't stopped her from trying to contact him. She continues to claim she has done nothing wrong all the while trying to undermine our relationship. I haven't spoken to her or had any contact with her at all, but she has still (along with his sister) tried in their attempts. Something I won't go into here. I have stayed out of it and let my guy handle it all.
And I have been fine with that....., and even in the first two years encouraged him to try to work things out with her. I finally realized how futile that was however, with some of the things she did to end our relationship. I stopped encouraging him and she lost an ally. All while I puzzled over it. My guy has said the same thing that was told to me by my previous two relationships. "It wouldn't matter WHO I was with, she would still act the same. This has nothing to do with you." Somehow this doesn't help- because it IS me and it has now happened over and over. So it feels very personal to me! I wonder how often a person can be rejected. And by the same kind of situation? When is a lesson that is put into ones life, learned and not be dropped into their lap anymore? When is enough, enough? I am amazed by own bad luck. If this were a lottery ticket situation, I would have hit it 3 times with the mother son deal. What are the odds? Hitting the lotto 3 times in a row?? And with my own mother/mother figure incidents, it's only salt in the wound that makes me feel that I am impossible to be loved as a daughter or in the daughter role. There is a certain kind of pain when others talk about their mothers, especially for the big stuff, like graduations, weddings, and babies; and the small stuff too. I am keenly aware of how much my own daughters rely on me for even the smallest things. All of which I had to teach myself and learn on my own.
With this wedding my guy's father has been pressuring my guy to talk to his mother (his fathers' ex-wife) and allow by-gones to be by-gones. No accountability, no acknowledgment, no anything. We both don't understand. She hasn't changed her mind about anything. Nothing has changed. As with his mother, I have let my guy deal with his family himself. I have remained quiet. Most of that was because for much of our relationship my guy spoke to no one in his family due to the mother issue . When he slowly began to speak to his father and grandmother again, and then his brother, I stayed out of it to allow them to work things out first and not interfere. My guy says they have no problems with me. Now however I am biting at the bit wanting to confront the situation on all sides. My guy has been telling me that it "won't do me any good". Through all of this I have come to realize he is right. I have never met people who are so slow to learn and get it. Still I fantasize about finally having a say and try to get through their heads.
I don't worry about my guy or that I will find myself alone in my relationship or marriage against a family that hates me. He has shown me where I stand in his life. It doesn't mean however, that it makes it any less difficult. I have thought deep and hard of what this means for me in my life..... again.
My youngest has come to me and admitted that she doesn't know how I've gone my whole life without a mother to turn to, she says she could never do it. When I see those facebook status' that talk about "post this if you have a mother that....." or people who talk about how wonderful their mother-in-law is.... it hurts. I am completely dumbfounded and ask myself why? Why in my life I didn't deserve such a basic thing? That when I have had the opportunity due to circumstances, to have a new chance at it. That in the end, it's all the same result.
I know it's a question that will never get answered and I try to love myself the way I wish that a mother would love me, and be the mother to my own children I never had... within the circumstances that is called Life.
Robin,
ReplyDeleteI have heard your story before but this time your in depth description has broken my heart. I think 1. that it is the loss of all of those horrible women not to have formed a relationship with one of the most awesome women I know. What a reward it would have been to be able to say, "you see that strong woman over there, she's mine." Unfortunately this is also your loss and I can not change that for you but I want you to know that you are most lovable and that as a mother I can not fathom how these women could have been so cold towards you, ESPECIALLY your biological mother. To carry a child for 9 months and feel anything less than awe and the deepest kind of love, escapes me. For this I am sorry and I wish I could take all of that away for you. On the other hand, you are an even more awesome mother because you know the hurt that these women have caused you. This is not to say you wouldn't have been awesome either way but I think you look at things differently and probably cherish even the little things that some of us may take for granted or just not see. You are a fabulous mom and you are making a difference for your own daughters and breaking that horrible cycle of abandonment. You are teaching them that you don't turn true love off and on and you have taught them that despite your past you can still love them with all of your heart. Thank you for sharing Robin!
I'm tired of writing a very long intelligent comment and then forgetting how to sign in....ahhhh old age. Truly I am granny X.
ReplyDeleteSo, the gist of the comment was that you have hit the lottery! You have a winner of a man who has proven that the younger of 2 son's does NOT have to be a momma's boy. He has cut the apron strings and is standing by your side! I am so awed that he has shown such a great commitment (and that you've been willing and able to stay out of it!) Remind me when my younger 2nd son starts dating to love the girl even if she dresses in goth or chews her toenails OK????? You are such a blessing to me...even though I knew much of your story there were years when I wasn't around and wasn't supportive and I'm very sorry for that!
Robin,
ReplyDeleteI have heard your story before also and I can't believe the strength that you have and the love and compassion you have for your daughters, family, and friends. You are a mother, a mother to be proud of, a mother to admire, a mother to want to emulate (i think this is spelled right. I know that you haven't had a mother here on earth, but you do have one in Heaven watching over you and loving you exactly like a true mother should. I believe that she sends her love through your friends (I love you) and through your guy and family. In little things that pick you up. In the way that your grandbaby looks at you, pure love. I am not negating how not having a mother in your life here hasn't been gut-wrenchingly difficult. But Robin, you are here and loved and a wonderful, wonderful mother. I do love you.
Holli