I haven't written for a long time. I started this blog to hone my writing skills and to sharpen its dull blade so to speak. It was also a source to be able to look back on later, in all that was going on. But I got side tracked by my own life. Funny how that happens.
It happened because I really didn't know how to write about my own illness. How to explain it in a way that would help others' to understand and comprehend what had happened to me. Not just physically, but consequently; emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I couldn't walk or was limited in my ability to, and had all these things wrong with my body; but there was no car accident. I was losing my hair, dropping my weight, was always sick and nauseous all the time and/or vomiting and was in constant extreme pain, but didn't have cancer or was dealing with chemo therapy. I didn't really have ANY true diagnosis, (that is until I found one- and then it was still a good guess by all accounts). Each day was the same thing as the day before; and I felt like I came across as a downer to others to have to listen to or read, so to spare everyone, I stopped writing about it or tried to discuss it as little as possible. I put on the brave face so others would feel more comfortable to prevent them from screaming, running in the other direction. I already felt too alone to drive anyone else away. But I, on the other hand, had no choice. I didn't have the luxury of escape, nor did those around me living with it, with me.
I felt very alone. I wished I could express it to people to make them understand. I had very few in my life to be there. I had a lot of lip service---- but no actual action. I was stuck, literally, in four walls. My world, which had been so full of activity and people, had become so very tiny. I was helpless and dependent. The pain I felt was agony, both physically and emotionally. Day in and day out, it was more of the same thing. Fractures started to happen in my life. You could hear the ice cracking below my feet. I was about to fall in and I didn't have anything to grab onto- and then it happened.
Without warning- the ice gave out beneath me and I sank deep into the icy cold water. I did exactly what you're not supposed to do in that kind of situation. I panicked. I splashed around. I expended energy and I cried for help. I had suffered one loss after another and all of them quite suddenly and without warning or time to prepare. And here I was suffering yet another one. I didn't know what to do and I was so tired. So worn out already...
But I dug in deep. Very deep- and discovered I had more. I discovered even more about myself then I thought I knew. I asked for help and I got it. I asked for prayers and got those. I felt each and every one of those prayers in this most desperate time. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle any more loss. I was buoyed up, while I found my strength, by those prayers and positive energy all of a sudden and collectively being sent my way like a huge energy wave! I had a true friend and sister who behaved as a true friend and sister aught to (but that I had never had until her). I wouldn't have made it without her. And beside her was another friend- her mate and my best male friend. He was a rock and listened and was there. My father was the hand and branch to pull me out of the water to safety. He always is. The number of times this man has saved me in my life is beyond what I can express. I would have drowned many times if it weren't for him. I kept things private and entrusted just a few and those few, knowing how private I am, unless I choose to share, protected that privacy and confidence. I learned to trust again.
And through it all I rediscovered me. I am tempted to say I found myself again. But it's not true. I became introduced to a whole new person. And this new person is quite incredible and amazing. I am so excited about her-- and the new life and path that lies ahead. And I can't wait to introduce you to her as well. I wrote in my blog's descript that this my life's journey and that you'll know when I do. I smile now at that and how true it is. Here's hoping that you continue to share the ride with me.
I'm including my link (me in the hospital) that is the culmination of my health and illness coming to a head. For me at the time it really was the beginning of the end, or at least felt that way. With no diagnosis, no hope, no treatment and no answers-- there really was no reason not to think that way. Before this point in the hospital, I had already been battling my health issues and problems for 3 1/2 years with me trying to figure out what was wrong but not being able to get anyone to listen to me or understand really what I felt or tried to explain both in my personal life (at how serious it was, that I was expressing these issues) and the medical community (basically the same thing)- all of which led to a major imploding of my health. This is a visual for anyone reading this post to understand just a miniscule part of what I was dealing with and what my life was like for me for the next year and a half. It doesn't nearly start to touch however, the domino effect that it had on everything else or all that I lost as a result, and in ways that I couldn't even begin to fathom.
At this point- 4 months post surgery (out of a 12 month recovery and healing time), I am continuing to make progress but I am always just a snap of a finger away from ending up back in bed and having trouble walking and in pain- and therefore back to where I was--whenever I over do it. At this point, I can make small ventures out. My day consist of me spending 3/4 of it still in bed. I start to feel well enough and have rested enough to get up around 2 or 3pm. That is, if I've been a good girl and not have over done it, or am just plain having a 'bad day'- health wise. Then it's much later or not at all thing. But if all is well and I'm feeling well enough- I get dressed and do my hair and make up to feel and look as good as possible. If I've got something that I would like to do in the evening, then I will make myself rest all day, just to make sure I'm alright to do so. I have basically a 2 - 3 hour limitation. But I take that time and grab it for all its worth!! :)Whenever I try to push past that, (and trust me I do... way too often)- I always- without fail- pay for it.
My need/desire, to get my life back, is extremely overwhelming--- and thus pushes me. Once you've gone through something like I have, and have watched life go by day in and day out, minute by minute and literally not be able to do anything, once you get a taste of having some of your life back, all you want to do is live it as fully and completely as possible! So I sometimes push. The aforementioned and the fact that I don't know I've over done it until it's too late doesn't help. My body doesn't tell me while it's happening- only after it's too late and then it happens very quickly. I have a huge, lonnnnng list of things I want to do. But I can only do so much- and whatever I select on the list I can only do small amounts at a time. It takes a long time to cross things off the list. The truth of the matter is that I need to listen to my body more closely - Because I think that it actually might indeed be telling me things, but the voice yelling YES! LIFE! drowns out the whispers that say... this is too much- as I push forward to reclaim my life. It's all a lesson and I am learning to listen to the Universe and all the wisdom that it has to offer. I just can't describe how glorious it is to be so grateful for the most simple of tasks and to be able to do them---even if they take me 10 times longer to accomplish! It's truly a beautiful thing. My heart over flows with gratitude that I get the chance.
It happened because I really didn't know how to write about my own illness. How to explain it in a way that would help others' to understand and comprehend what had happened to me. Not just physically, but consequently; emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I couldn't walk or was limited in my ability to, and had all these things wrong with my body; but there was no car accident. I was losing my hair, dropping my weight, was always sick and nauseous all the time and/or vomiting and was in constant extreme pain, but didn't have cancer or was dealing with chemo therapy. I didn't really have ANY true diagnosis, (that is until I found one- and then it was still a good guess by all accounts). Each day was the same thing as the day before; and I felt like I came across as a downer to others to have to listen to or read, so to spare everyone, I stopped writing about it or tried to discuss it as little as possible. I put on the brave face so others would feel more comfortable to prevent them from screaming, running in the other direction. I already felt too alone to drive anyone else away. But I, on the other hand, had no choice. I didn't have the luxury of escape, nor did those around me living with it, with me.
I felt very alone. I wished I could express it to people to make them understand. I had very few in my life to be there. I had a lot of lip service---- but no actual action. I was stuck, literally, in four walls. My world, which had been so full of activity and people, had become so very tiny. I was helpless and dependent. The pain I felt was agony, both physically and emotionally. Day in and day out, it was more of the same thing. Fractures started to happen in my life. You could hear the ice cracking below my feet. I was about to fall in and I didn't have anything to grab onto- and then it happened.
Without warning- the ice gave out beneath me and I sank deep into the icy cold water. I did exactly what you're not supposed to do in that kind of situation. I panicked. I splashed around. I expended energy and I cried for help. I had suffered one loss after another and all of them quite suddenly and without warning or time to prepare. And here I was suffering yet another one. I didn't know what to do and I was so tired. So worn out already...
But I dug in deep. Very deep- and discovered I had more. I discovered even more about myself then I thought I knew. I asked for help and I got it. I asked for prayers and got those. I felt each and every one of those prayers in this most desperate time. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to handle any more loss. I was buoyed up, while I found my strength, by those prayers and positive energy all of a sudden and collectively being sent my way like a huge energy wave! I had a true friend and sister who behaved as a true friend and sister aught to (but that I had never had until her). I wouldn't have made it without her. And beside her was another friend- her mate and my best male friend. He was a rock and listened and was there. My father was the hand and branch to pull me out of the water to safety. He always is. The number of times this man has saved me in my life is beyond what I can express. I would have drowned many times if it weren't for him. I kept things private and entrusted just a few and those few, knowing how private I am, unless I choose to share, protected that privacy and confidence. I learned to trust again.
And through it all I rediscovered me. I am tempted to say I found myself again. But it's not true. I became introduced to a whole new person. And this new person is quite incredible and amazing. I am so excited about her-- and the new life and path that lies ahead. And I can't wait to introduce you to her as well. I wrote in my blog's descript that this my life's journey and that you'll know when I do. I smile now at that and how true it is. Here's hoping that you continue to share the ride with me.
I'm including my link (me in the hospital) that is the culmination of my health and illness coming to a head. For me at the time it really was the beginning of the end, or at least felt that way. With no diagnosis, no hope, no treatment and no answers-- there really was no reason not to think that way. Before this point in the hospital, I had already been battling my health issues and problems for 3 1/2 years with me trying to figure out what was wrong but not being able to get anyone to listen to me or understand really what I felt or tried to explain both in my personal life (at how serious it was, that I was expressing these issues) and the medical community (basically the same thing)- all of which led to a major imploding of my health. This is a visual for anyone reading this post to understand just a miniscule part of what I was dealing with and what my life was like for me for the next year and a half. It doesn't nearly start to touch however, the domino effect that it had on everything else or all that I lost as a result, and in ways that I couldn't even begin to fathom.
At this point- 4 months post surgery (out of a 12 month recovery and healing time), I am continuing to make progress but I am always just a snap of a finger away from ending up back in bed and having trouble walking and in pain- and therefore back to where I was--whenever I over do it. At this point, I can make small ventures out. My day consist of me spending 3/4 of it still in bed. I start to feel well enough and have rested enough to get up around 2 or 3pm. That is, if I've been a good girl and not have over done it, or am just plain having a 'bad day'- health wise. Then it's much later or not at all thing. But if all is well and I'm feeling well enough- I get dressed and do my hair and make up to feel and look as good as possible. If I've got something that I would like to do in the evening, then I will make myself rest all day, just to make sure I'm alright to do so. I have basically a 2 - 3 hour limitation. But I take that time and grab it for all its worth!! :)Whenever I try to push past that, (and trust me I do... way too often)- I always- without fail- pay for it.
My need/desire, to get my life back, is extremely overwhelming--- and thus pushes me. Once you've gone through something like I have, and have watched life go by day in and day out, minute by minute and literally not be able to do anything, once you get a taste of having some of your life back, all you want to do is live it as fully and completely as possible! So I sometimes push. The aforementioned and the fact that I don't know I've over done it until it's too late doesn't help. My body doesn't tell me while it's happening- only after it's too late and then it happens very quickly. I have a huge, lonnnnng list of things I want to do. But I can only do so much- and whatever I select on the list I can only do small amounts at a time. It takes a long time to cross things off the list. The truth of the matter is that I need to listen to my body more closely - Because I think that it actually might indeed be telling me things, but the voice yelling YES! LIFE! drowns out the whispers that say... this is too much- as I push forward to reclaim my life. It's all a lesson and I am learning to listen to the Universe and all the wisdom that it has to offer. I just can't describe how glorious it is to be so grateful for the most simple of tasks and to be able to do them---even if they take me 10 times longer to accomplish! It's truly a beautiful thing. My heart over flows with gratitude that I get the chance.
