Self-Discovery

Trials and tribulations have been the name of the game for about 10 years now in one way or another. It started with my divorce in 2000 and ended my decade with some major health crises arising in my life. Do I dare hope that a new decade may mean things might settle down and give me a little rest? Give me the break I feel I so very much deserve? To let things just be? To allow me to enjoy the good things that are there without them being complete consumed with the difficulties that surround it?

But as I wonder that I look back and contemplate. Boy did I find out about myself through that divorce, that toxic relationship that followed, through being a single mother, broke, losing everything, going back and putting myself through college to be the first to graduate from college in my family. To finally getting enough resolve to leave that toxic relationship; to starting my career and dealing with all the very difficult and stressful things that, that entailed for a while.To meeting someone that is considerably younger than myself and having the courage to stay with him because of who he is and not the number of years he's been on the planet. To the results of an ex, that is beyond bitter, on my daughters, and our relationships. To becoming ill and losing the career that I was just getting going, and losing being self-sufficient.

I've always been told, through my whole life, how strong I am. I already know that about myself. There would be no way to have gone through some of the things I've gone through my whole life without it. But it's the other things that I've discovered that has surprised me.

For instance, once upon a time while watching a couple of kids in Utah swing back and forth on a line in the sky, I commented aloud about how incredibly crazy they were and that "I would never do that". Well I did do that, twice! And not only did I do that, but it then segwayed into me deciding I wanted to skydive as well!! Which I did! I have a lot of adventure in me I discovered. I discovered through schooling how to overcome the negative voices in my head and do something anyway that I thought I couldn't do or wasn't smart enough to do. It also taught me how to accomplish a very long goal. I learned how to overcome some very tough obstacles in a work environment and show them what I am made of, and become an invaluable part of the team. A lot of people wouldn't have bothered and would have walked out the door. Through my poor health I've had to learn how to depend on others and accept help and shed the skins of what I thought I was or who I thought I was.

And now I'm planning a wedding for myself that I never in a million years thought I would be planning. Planning the one I've always wanted but thought I would never have or that I felt the Universe didn't feel I was worthy of having. First of all I never thought or most importantly wanted to get married again and then..... after 10 years, I did. But having the wedding I wanted, with all that was going on with my health, losing my job, going through my savings, even walking? But it is happening and with this upcoming surgery I'm focusing on the positive and believing it will be alright and I will be fine. So I plan the wedding of my dreams in that frame of mind. Even with planning the wedding of my dreams, I found out what that was. That too has been a self-discovery along the way. Because before now, I never thought about it.

So far it's been one hell of a trip and I'm not done yet. It's very cliche thing to write but doesn't make it less true. As with many things, self-discovery isn't a destination we take it's what we find out about ourselves on the ride along the way. It's just that for some of us, the trip is filled with more pit-stops, inclines and break downs along the way. But then it's in those moments we really find out who we are.